Round 4 Session 2 – seeing things differently......

Today I am sitting at the kitchen counter with a faithful but tired dog by my side.  Bailey is tuckered out as we just spent a couple of hours outside cleaning up snow that fell early this morning.  Not my favourite task at -3 degrees as the snow is heavy and wet.  Regardless, it is now cleared and the surrounding area is ready for the freeze to come over the next few days.

On Dec 11^th I had my second Chemo session at QCH.  The session started at 8:30 am and I managed to get out of there at about 11:30.  My nurses this time were nurses that I remember from previous sessions and their expertise was very much appreciated.  I had taken my pre-chemo drugs and they injected the requisite steroids and got the results of my urine test so they were all set to go.  The session followed the same routine as usual with no diversions or obstacles.  As we come close to the end of the session I got a very strong urge to pee and must make my way to the bathroom fairly smartly with all of my attached bags etc.  I have learned to do this fairly efficiently over time.  However, like drinking beer, once you break the seal there are frequent trips in the last half hour of treatment.  I managed to get away with only three trips this time in my last half hour.  An alert sounds when the bag runs out and sure enough I was “alerting” while I was peeing way down the hall from my station of the day.   Once I returned I was ‘finished up” by pushing my chemo that is contained in my bottle for the 48 hour pumping into my system.  With the bottle attached and all the paperwork done I set off for my day.

I was hungry but not feeling very strong.  I manage to pick up some Thai food (what was I thinking) on my way to see Tara-Lee.  After I purchased it I decided to make it dinner instead of a snack.  My visit with TL was short but I did want to wish her a happy birthday on her day.

Once home I managed to do some e-mails for work and to watch some TV as I needed a sleep.  Funny how I can sleep in the afternoon but not at night when on this stuff!  Day 2 is always a quiet day and I busied myself with Christmas cards and some wrapping of presents.  I know I planned to make dinner that night but decided to make it a simple grilled cheese and soup meal.  I was experiencing the usual nausea, sleeplessness, restlessness, mild headache, malaise and irregular bowel habits.  I have grown to expect one, two or all of these until I get the bottle removed.  On day 3 I made my appointment at CCAC to have the bottle removed and then I visited TL again as Thursday was a work day again at the airport.

The shift went by without any significant issues but I was certainly not myself and I managed to get through the shift by keeping to myself, as much as possible, and just getting the job done.  Typically, day 4 is a better day and my shift also happened on that day.  I was feeling more myself but certainly not feeling well during the shift.  It was a long drive home and right into bed.  Finally I got a good night sleep and on day 5 I was feeling better but not 100% - 60% would have been a better number.  Day 6 was also a work day and I managed to be more connected and feeling better for this shift.   I have learned to reduce my activities post Chemo but that is not always the case.  I had a couple of meeting with consultants that needed to happen and I managed to get through them without any incidents.

Finally, on day 8, I was able to say to myself that I felt better or at least more like myself.  That is longer than the previous session and I am concerned with the direction of this trend.  I must drink more water and flush my system faster than I am currently doing.  Not being a water drinker is a negative in this scenario.  I am encouraged to drink more water as we move forward as I do want to feel better faster and clear my system of the residual chemo in less time.

In my last blog entry I mentioned that I had my first eye surgically enhanced with the replacement of my lens in my eye due to a cataract.  That had me in a position where one eye had great vision and the other eye was unimproved leaving me with a mixed bag for vision.  I managed to get through the 28 days of said imbalance and found myself back at the Riverside on the 20^th for the second eye surgery.  With this surgery you get very adept with eye drops as there is a pattern of dropping with three different treatments each day.  This goes on, conveniently, for 28 days.  I just finished with the drops for the first eye and it was time to crank up again for the second eye.  I found myself at my pre-surgical appointment on Wednesday and I was concerned as I have had the sniffles.  With the help of some drugs I got that under control and the eye Dr gave the OK to proceed on Thursday in the early am.  I was happy to be early as there always seems to be delays as the day progresses as they do about 50 cataract surgeries per day with four different Drs.  

My Dr explained that we were doing the exact same surgery but it would seem different to me for some unknown reason.  He was correct as I remember more of the surgery than the first time and feel fairly confident that I was awake for all of the 15 minutes it took to complete the lens replacement.  I enjoyed my rest afterwards and the cheese and crackers they supplied with apple juice to get over the fasting that is associated with this type of surgery.

So, as of Thursday, this 1946 vintage Chevy has LED headlights installed and they are working well.  I do see things differently today as the second surgery succeeded in giving me 20-20 vision in my left eye.  That accompanied by 20-30 in my right eye gives me better vision than I experienced with corrective lenses.  I have been wearing glasses since I purchased my first pair in California when I was a hippy youth on my “discovering Paul” trip of a lifetime.  That is a lot of time with corrective lenses.  I see more clearly and there is more definition in terms of colour when I look about.  It is fun to read signs on the highway without having to squint or wait until it is zipping by me.  I will have to use “readers” for close up work, reading, computer work, texting etc but that is a pretty good compromise for clear vision.

All in all a busy time with lots of interventions in my life.  It is my hope that 2019 will bring a quieter pace of life and some stability in my health and treatment practices.

I would like to thank you, once again, for dropping in and reading these ramblings about my journey and as previously stated please feel free to drop a line should you have any questions or wish any more detail about what is happening.  In the interim, Merry Christmas and my best wishes for a happy and healthy 2019 for you and yours.

Be well ......

Round 4 Session 1

Today is a sunny frosty day at Lake Bernard.  This year’s early winter has certainly taken me by surprise.  The lake managed to freeze in during the third week of November which is as early as I have ever seen such a thing happen.  Under normal circumstances we do not get ice in the lake before the third week in December.  As a result I was fooled into believing I had time to get my docks ready for the winter even though we had an early freeze.  I was wrong!  The ice has settled in and has thickened with our docks in place.  We will have to detach the walkways to the docks and leave them there for the winter.  I will have to address my tardiness in the spring and secure the docks well before the thaw. 

What that says to me is that winter is here and it has a grip on us.  I just returned from a fresh walk with Bailey in the frozen fields around us.  It was invigorating as the sun is also shining and there is a wind from the North.  The last few days I have been staying close to home venturing out only to walk the dog and fetching firewood.  I have been spending the best part of the last week doing that as I spent last Tuesday at the Queensway Carleton Hospital undergoing a fresh Round of Chemotherapy.

Tuesday morning I arrived at QCH at the prescribed time (early) and met with my nurse team for the morning.  They were two relatively new nurses in the Chemotherapy Unit but both skilled and prepared to make the time the best they could.  It has been some time since I undertook a Chemo treatment so I needed some reminders of the process, order of things, drugs etc.  They were kind and helped me pull my proverbial shit together and get my head around the process.  Nothing really changed but I had forgotten (conveniently) some of the details.  I went through the elevated blood pressure routine and Dr Jonker prescribed an increase in my Amlodipine to 10mg from 7.5.  That is not the direction I would like to see this medication go in.  However, with some relaxation methods and little conversation my BP dropped low enough to start the process.  It has to be below 150 to start. 

I was given the appropriate drugs and shots to prepare for the chemo.  The bags finally arrived and I was plugged in with Avastin and Folfiri drugs for the next two hours.  I read, slept, chatted a little but generally just succumbed to the drugs for the duration of the treatment.  All reactions were predictable and in control throughout.  I started feeling nausea almost immediately and was encouraged to drink lots of water to reduce the effects on my body.  Well I tried but even water tasted poorly in that scenario.  I managed to get away about 11:30 am and headed downtown for a lunch meeting with Ben and Nil (business partners). 

The lunch was productive but I had little in the way of appetite.  After lunch I went to my follow-up appointment with my eye Dr.  I had cataract surgery the week before and this was a follow-up appointment to see how things were going.  Apparently all was good and we set a new appt date for the next surgery on the other eye.  Dec 20^th will be that appointment and then I will have a complete set of new lenses in my eyes.  I look forward to that as having one good eye and one “unrepaired” eye is inconvenient at best.  I returned to Lake Bernard after that appointment.

As usual sleep did not come easily after treatment.  It has to do with the steroids they inject into you prior to treatment.  I stayed up late and watched some TV and then decided to tough it out in bed.  I did not sleep until early the next morning.  My day at home was very restful as I read, slept, watched a little TV and generally tried my best not to succumb to the nausea and ill effects I was feeling.  I managed to drink some water and eat small amounts of food.  I managed to take the dog for a couple of short walks but I was certainly not very perky.  On Thursday I managed to get to CCAC on schedule to have my bottle removed.  The 48 hours of drip treatment was over and the bottle was empty.  Once the bottle was removed, I went and visited Tara-Lee for a short visit and then went to work at WestJet.  I had a 6 hours shift and had no idea how I was going to do when I was feeling so weak.  The shift went by and I sent most of the time doing my work by myself.  I did not feel social and I was trying to forget how badly I was feeling.  The shift ended and I drove to the lake at 9 pm.  The drive was horrible as I was tired, not focused and feeling like hell.  I managed to get home even though I had some sleep sessions along the way.

Friday morning I stayed at home as long as I could.  I had another 3 pm shift so I spent 6 hours at the airport.  I was feeling better than the day before and the effects of chemo were reduced considerably.  I completed my shift and returned to the lake at the end of the day.  Generally speaking I was not feeling as bad as I thought I might be.  Perhaps it was because this was my first session since Aug 2017.  My Saturday shift was a 5 hour shift and I managed quite well.  I proved to myself that I could manage both chemo and work although I am unsure why I want to do both.  In the days that followed my strength returned slowly, my nausea diminished slowly and my appetite started to come back.  I continued to lay low but that was to build strength more than anything.  Today I am feeling pretty well and we are 1 week out from the treatment.  I now only have one week before we start Session 2.

So goes the cycle of things for me for the foreseeable future.  I see Dr Jonker every second Monday before treatment to make sure all systems are go.  The shift to two weeks instead of the old three week turnaround will be gauged by the Dr and we will see if that can continue.  It is my belief that he is set me up to cause the most discomfort for the Cancer cells in hopes that we can either stabilize or reduce the growth.  I am with him on that outcome at this time.  

Thank you for dropping in and please feel free to comment to me directly if you have any questions.  I appreciate hearing from you.

In the mean time be well and enjoy every minute.......

Turn left and soldier on …..

As mentioned in my last blog entry I had a CT Scan in late October and had a meeting with my Dr scheduled for yesterday.  I was approaching this appointment with the usual apprehension and had a plan if my results were consistent with other results.  That meant that I was looking for an extended period for the next scan and visit.  My hopes of that were quickly dashed as the Dr informed me that my tumour on my liver was dangerously close to my bile ducts and he was concerned about Biliary Dilatation.  Not knowing what that meant he drew a picture of the tumour compressing the bile ducts thus rendering them inoperable.  I know that to be serious as I know someone close to me who is experiencing the repercussions of such a blockage right now.   It is not pretty and it can cause infection that can make your life very miserable and perhaps lead to death.  

With this information I told my Dr that I had to reconsider my “going-in” position and asked him for his advice to help me make the decision that had to be made.  We explored alternate treatments and rejected what Dr Jonker explained.  I guess I really knew this would happen one day as my charted CEA scores were starting to look like a very successful “start-up” when graphed showing and sharp upturn over the last few months.  Fine for a financial result (actually quite desired) but not so when one recognizes that this is a measure of the Cancer activity in my body.  It was very sobering to see and we finally decided that I would re-commence my Chemo program as soon as possible.  Dr Jonker has been advocating this for some time and I was resistant to this as my body really did not show and demonstrate any symptoms.  However, the scan tells the story along with the select blood tests. 

Freddi and I both left the hospital in a state of shock and disappointment.  I have been trying to normalize my thinking since then and that has caused me to feel nauseous and quite concerned about the short term as we turn left and soldier on.  Deep down I knew it would happen one day but I was certain it would not be yesterday as I have been feeling very well and have returned to a more balanced physical and mental approach after dropping the CBD and some other attempts to preserve this body.

As it stands right now I am due for Cataract surgery on the 22^nd and a return to QCH for Chemo on Nov 27^th followed by few more sessions every two weeks.  Needless to say I am not looking forward to this as I recall from spring 2017 that my body did not do well under the attack of Chemotherapy.  But the alternative is equally scary and not something that I am ready for right now.  It is my hope that the Chemo will stabilize the growth in both my liver and lungs and allow me to continue to enjoy different parts of my life.  I will keep you informed as I usually am more productive with my blog and my thoughts when I am forced to slow down and rest more.  I have to admit that I have not been doing that very well over the last 15 months of no Chemo.

So there you have it.  Life goes on in a different mode and I am trying to be strong about facing this new challenge.  Thank you for dropping in and feel free to comment or send me your individual questions and I will try to answer them.

Be well and feel the love…..

Of Drugs and Other things

Today is a dull wet late fall day that easily takes one from a sunny disposition to a somewhat subdued and protected place where one feels less than open. It is funny how the weather affects you like that.  As noted I my last blog entry, of late I have noticed a significant change in my perspective on many things leaving me uncomfortable with my approach and situation right now.  In my quest to “figure this out” I have decided to address the negative thoughts, anger, mood shifts and other objectionable behaviours by looking at the bevy of drugs that I have been ingesting either by prescription or by suggestions made by caring individuals.

The question is “How does one do such a thing?”. My approach is to drop the drugs that I do not fully understand the need for the drug.  I have continued to take my standard vitamins, (C, fish oils, D, antihistamines) but have cut out my CBD, mushrooms, berry seed concentrate in order to regulate my body without these things.  In particular, I consulted the Cannabis Dr and explained my reactions and a noted personality change to her and she was somewhat surprised as it seemed a little too drastic for such a simple and light dose.  Regardless, we agreed that a time-out would be of benefit and then a re-start with a different “mix” of cannabis products.  So I spent some time with the ladies who sell such things at the Assessment Centre and we agreed to establish an account with a new supplier and look at a different blend/mix for when I decide I should start again.  Although by medical oncologist could not recommend such treatment for Cancer he did agree to address the pains of arthritis with CBD.  However, I am interested in what it might do to the active Cancer cells in my body.  There are no recognized trials, treatments or suggested approaches for CBD and Cancer based on the mere fact that it was illegal in Canada.  Recently, of course, it became legal to buy Cannabis product in Canada and as a result there may be some studies that are sanctioned by medical professionals in our future.  In the interim I am looking at this and hoping to see something change in my CT Scans that would justify keeping this as a treatment approach.  Tomorrow I will have a new CT Scan to see the effects of the last three months.  I have been on CBD Oil (ingested) for the entire period since my last scan.  It was over that period that my personality and outlook took a negative turn so I do know something has changed.  I will get the results in mid-November and will assess the impact at that time.  It is my hope that something has changed and that CBD made a difference (other than becoming a bitter old man).  However, I am not counting on it and am preparing to continue with CBD with a new formula.  I am also hoping that the effects of CBD Oil will be less drastic and perhaps even be positive effects this time around.

As for the other things I have stopped, I will assess each impact separately and address each drug on its own merit.

The above paragraphs were originally written in late October.  I will follow-up this entry after my Dr appointment this afternoon.  Until then, thank you for taking the time to read this and as always I am available to respond to your questions at your leisure.   Be well ……

The Reckoning

Today I find myself with a few minutes of uncommitted time to sit down and write a few words about what has been happening to me over the last 5 or 6 months.  As you may or may not know this period is not well documented in this blog as I have not been in the right frame of mind to write about anything.  I have felt pressure from my different jobs (either real or imagined), I have been wrestling with my feelings about how I am managing my Cancer treatment, and trying to deal with the depression associated with these pressures in my life.

To summarize the health issue, I find that my quarterly tests have become pretty predictable and a source of stress and some anxiety.  Each new cycle starts with a position for the next three months and very shortly turns to a countdown to the next test (CT Scan) and then a meeting with the Dr to discuss the results of the test.  Since August 2017 I have chosen each time to decline chemotherapy sessions to combat the growth of my cancer.  Each session has demonstrated an increase in the size of my Cancer and is accompanied by a warning from my Dr. to not let this get away from us.  However, I recall and fear the adverse effects of Chemotherapy and therefore am taking a path that does not include this treatment.  In contrast I have been doing small things to increase my resilience, stamina, white blood cell count to support a healthy immune system, and to try to get ahead of this through more natural means.  That does not mean I am following a well organized campaign against my body and the Cancer but I am doing some things that should affect my ability to live with it.  Not being a professional at any of this has left me feeling that these seemingly unstructured approaches may help.

Also during this time I have been introduced to several situations where Cancer has made people succumb to its control, taken the life of others and started others down a nasty path ahead as it is discovered in more and more people that I know or hear about.   It is depressing as great breakthroughs are coming in the battle of this disease but it seems to be too little too late.   In my case that is true as some breakthrough immunology treatments are not applicable in my case but will help others as we go forward from diagnosis to cure.  I know my Oncologist of record, Dr. Auer, is committed to this goal but recognizes that, at this time, there is little they can do for me.

Of late, I have recognized the effects on me and my immediate family and have tried to make an adjustment in my thinking, attitudes, moods and general well being to overcome some of the effects of this depressing pressure that seems to surround me.  That sounds a bit dramatic but believe me it has not been any fun wallowing in my despair and trying to make the best of this situation.  I have been successful, so far, in distancing my Cancer from my work at WestJet.  I refer to my work days at WestJet as inside my bubble as I do not think about being a Cancer patient while I am actively trying to help people get through the trials and tribulations of an airport.  It has left me with the capability to walk into my bubble and to carry out my work shift with a positive attitude as I deal with our Guests and their issues during their attempts to manage the processes associated with vacation, business or miscellaneous travel.  I like the bubble and recognize my shift from WestJet time to other parts of my life as I walk to my car at the end of every shift.

All of this leaves me with the question:  “What is next?”

It is a simple question with no simple answer.  If my life, as I live it, does not provide me with enough confidence to continue without the depression, pressures, sharp mood changes and restlessness then what has to change or break to make things more comfortable?   It seems easy as one can simply say – lighten the load and simplify.  But what gets tossed to the side if I decide to do such a thing?  Do I drop one of my “jobs”, do I seek outside help, do I change my diet and habits to find a new acceptance of myself to find a better state of mind?  Do I read different books that could bring some guidance to the things I am afraid of or seem to be avoiding talking about?  I am not sure of the answers to such questions but I do know that I need to spend more time being comfortable in my own shoes and more open about where I am today.

My current schedule of appointments is for a CT Scan at the end of Oct, a DR Appointment in mid-Nov and then we will make decisions and plan for the next three months.

As I re-read what I have written here, I feel it is a bit similar to my last blog which is not what I had committed to.  I had committed to news of other activities from March of 2018.  That is a period of about 6 months where it seems I have done nothing of significance or had any real activities that were noteworthy.  That is not true as we have had a vacation in that period and the summer months provided some very memorable times with family at the cottage. 

On the boat - Summer 2018

Also in that period I have spent a great deal of time with our new puppy (Bailey) trying to get her through the puppy stages and trying to take a mature approach to dog training.   It has been a challenge as she requires a great deal of attention as she tries to please us and learn new behaviours that make her a social creature.  She has come a long way and I now appreciate the time investment in our family pet.  Our last golden retriever lived for 16 years and Bailey has made it to 8 months and is going strong.  She is learning new things (like not to nose around a skunk) every day.  She brings much happiness into our house.

Summer has also brought more family time as Tara-Lee and her family spent more time here at the cottage.  Kaia has grown up some too as she learns about the extent of summer pleasure being on a lake can bring.  She is a water baby and loves to swim, play and be entertained by the local children of Lake Bernard.  Her verbal skills have improved and she chats away in fuller sentences now.  And through all of this she continues to be the intrepid flyer as she has added more flights to her airplane log. 

Freddi continues to work hard at Sporting Life and sometimes comes home feeling she made a difference in a very busy environment.  I think that is what keeps her focused and engaged at this busy store.

Fall is now upon us and our focus is on getting our client’s boats out of the water and tucked away for the winter.  Our numbers are down this year as we refine our list against available hours and effort to get each boat safely put away before the weather changes too drastically.  We are partially done but a number of our clients want to keep their boats until Thanksgiving weekend.  We continue to work on this activity.

Thank you for taking the time to check in and I am always available for your questions, thoughts and comments on this blog or on any of the activities in our life.  Be well ……. 

Awareness …comfortable or not!

This has been the longest period without addressing this blog since I started back in 2016.  Not a good statement but it is true.  My last post outlined some of our activities and my decisions in the early spring (late winter in fact) and that was 4 and a half months ago.  I asked myself how that long a period could have passed without taking some time to address this blog.  After some considerable thought I have now accepted that I did not address the blog as I did not want to accept the reality of some parts of my life at this moment.  That seems to be a simple statement, and it is, but it was hard to get there.

The intent of this blog was to inform the readers about my health and activities as I addressed my bout with Cancer.  It also served as a place for me to try to organize my thoughts and positions on some of the things that are happening as a result of my diagnosis and treatment.  The latter is very valuable to me as I tend to hold a great deal inside and share only glimpses of what I am thinking.  This blog forces me to be more open and honest with my thoughts in a very public way.  The last few months I have been very busy with the activities of my life to the exclusion of sitting down and addressing what was running through my head.  No doubt in my mind, now, that the course I took was a defense mechanism as I did not feel comfortable and confident in my decisions about treatment. 

You have read in previous blogs that I have been tested and met with my Medical Oncologist, Dr. Jonker, on a 3 month cycle.  That was the chosen, safe period to track the development of new cancer cells in my body. Over the last full year I have “chosen” to not participate in treatment by Chemo Therapy on four occasions as I have no symptoms that cause me any discomfort.  Each of my CT test results demonstrated some growth in both my liver and lung cancer.  My Dr. has never said that there was significant growth and I take that as a good sign that my cancer is not aggressive, at this time, and can be managed.  I only say that because it has not manifested any symptoms that cause me discomfort.  As a result I have enjoyed a year of Chemo free life and enjoyed many great moments and activities.  In background I have been increasingly asking myself if; a) that was the right decision?, and b) how long can that go on?

Those two questions have been burning away inside me through the last year and each cycle (with the testing, Dr. visit and then moving forward) is executed with some trepidation.  In early June, after my last visit with Dr. Jonker I sought out my Oncologist of record (Dr. Auer) and asked for some time to chat with her about all of this.    She was kind enough to see me almost immediately and listened very carefully to what I was saying and experiencing.  I did this because I respect her and trust her instincts in matters of Cancer and in patient care.  Our discussion lasted for much longer than I imagined and the end result was that I had finally recognized that my angst simply was all about quality vs quantity of life.  My actions were addressing my need for a better quality of life and not concerning myself about longevity.  We both agreed that the position I was taking was appropriate for a person of my age and position in life.  Had I been 28 years old with a young family I may well take a different set of decisions.  Now that was not news to me but it was nice to hear it from someone else and it made me more comfortable with the actions and situation.

On Tuesday of this week I had my most recent CT Scan and I have an appointment with Dr. Jonker for mid-August to review the results.  That means that I am waiting, once again, for an indication of the growth of my Cancer and must, once again, decide on my actions based on that information.  That process causes me some stress each time I have to do this as the ramifications, one way or another, affect and influence my life, schedule and well being.  I try to minimize the impact by keeping myself busy and not thinking too much but it does enter my mind from time to time.  The effect on me is somewhat concerning as I become more introverted during these periods of stress and I do not socialize as much as I am accustomed.  I am assuming that is my defense mechanism and I have tried to break that down recently by actively reaching out and meeting people for lunches or dinners or just social time to shoot the shit.  I am assuming that it is quite natural to protect oneself when there is a lot of doubt in one’s mind so I am not concerned about my behavior.  However, I do miss the interactions I am used to and will work hard to get those back on track.

Thank you for reading this brief post and I hope it explains my recent absence from this blog.  I will return shortly to update on my visit to Puerto Vallarta (in March 2018) and other interesting things that happened while all of the above was going on internally.  That will be far more entertaining I assure you.

Whiling Away …….

Once again, it has been a while (6 weeks) since I addressed this blog but it was not for lack of thinking about it.  I was at a loss for what to say this time around as the more things change the more they are the same.  My last note indicated that I had been occupied with work and some catching up on some of my “ToDo” items.  That is still the case with the exception that we took a short break from the cold in early February.

Freddi and I, Lucy and Mark and Joan took a trip to Barbados and stayed at the Dover Beach Hotel for 10 days in early February.  It was a quaint little beach side hotel that offered rooms with views and all of the necessary accoutrements one requires for family accommodations in warmer climates.  We had three rooms scattered over the sea-side building on the property.   The view for the balconies was very tranquil and appeasing as we overlooked the surf, beach and ocean.  During our restful stay we managed to find some interesting food sources, a great Rum that is manufactured in the Barbados, some sunning on the patio and pool, time to read some books, visited with family friends and generally enjoy each other’s company while unwinding.  The fine weather was the goal and we pulled that rabbit out of the hat.  It did rain but only for short periods.  It did manage to rain on two occasions when we were dining in the open air but we managed and enjoyed this visit to Barbados very much.  The island is very different from my original visit some 50 years ago but it still has that laid back feeling where nothing is under pressure and time is plentiful.

We are now back in Ottawa (and have been for a couple of weeks) living the dream as we go about our daily and different activities.  The weather has been somewhat neutral in that it has not been too cold and we have not had huge amounts of snow.   I say that as I look at my driveway that is need of some attention with the snow blower.  We have had snow over the last two days and I have been stalling in hopes that it would stop.  The East coast is getting battered by a winter storm and the snow we are getting is from the outskirts of that storm.

As of today not much has changed in the health department.   On Feb 27^th I had a follow-up meeting with my Dr. after having a new CT Scan on Feb 15^th.  The Dr. was a bit concerned as my lung Cancer spot was a bit larger this time around and my liver cancer had also had also shown some strength.  He left it to me to decide what the next steps would be.  I knew he would do that so I was prepared to advise him that I would prefer to avoid going back on Chemo at least until we check again in 3 months.  Basically, I feel great, still, and to go back on Chemo would make me sick once again and I don’t see the purpose of having the treatment which is worse than the disease.    There are two, maybe even three, arguments around this logic but I am enjoying feeling well and that is important to me and those around me.  I get pretty cranky when I am not well and that doesn’t make anyone happy.  So the upshot is that we are on status quo, no chemo treatment, until we decide to make a change. I will be scheduled for another CT Scan in mid-May and I will see the Dr. again later in the month to re-assess.  Once again, the Dr. advised me to contact him if and when I start to have any “symptoms” – lack of appetite, weight loss, breathlessness, tired feeling, pains and any abnormal symptoms.  I assured him I would and we set off to go without Chemo for another period. 

After pondering that meeting I thought a little about the last 3 and half years since my November 2014 sentence with Cancer.  A great deal of water has zoomed under the bridge and I have spent some time reading some of the highlights back through this blog and my notes in my black book which served as my guide for most input into this blog.  The diagnosis was hard followed by several sets of tests, then sessions of Chemo, then surgery, recovery, learning to live with an ileostomy, finally (a year later)  having that removed and then the dreaded return of Cancer followed by rounds and rounds of Chemo which led to my decision to stop Chemo about 8 months ago.  The outcome of stopping has shown some growth of the Cancer but it has also allowed me to resume a more normal life without feeling sick all the time.  In that period I started an active employment position with WestJet, conducted my business with the boats during the fall and managed some travel, acquired a cat friend and setup to have a puppy come into our home April 1st.  All that to say, that I am in a good space right now and hoping to continue that position for a while longer.  The threat of Chemo is always there and eventually I will have to return but not for a while yet.

Kaia with puppy at 5 weeks

Freddi and I are about to embark on another adventure as we set off for Puerto Vallarta for a simple week vacation.  This is a place I have only been to once before and that was back in 1972 when I was a travelling Hippy living in my VW Van.  Thinking of returning has drawn me back to my notes (log) of my trip of 10 months on the road in Canada, western USA, Mexico and Guatemala.  I recall vividly my time in PV as it was a Mecca to me as it was low key, native, sunny and warm, littered with remote beaches, a period where I shared time with some very good people and enjoyed a simple but rewarding couple of weeks there.  I am keen to see the changes and I do hope I can find some landmarks that will bridge the 46 year gap.  This part of Mexico has a warm spot in my heart.

It has stopped snowing now and I must address the driveway buildup so I will take my leave.  I will also endeavour to write a little more frequently although there is little to report.  I work, I rest, I meet and greet, I visit with TL and her family, I work again and repeat several times over.  Life is very good to me.

Love to all of you who find the time to visit and share in my experiences.  Please feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions or concerns or just want to say hello.

Puppies milling about at 5 weeks

A New Year and I feel great.....

A New Year and I feel great.....

Today is Wednesday and it is cold and grey outside.  It is exactly these types of days that make me think about find warmth in the sun and think about doing some travel – somewhere.  We are preparing for a vacation, starting Friday, that will take us to Barbados with Mark, Joan and Lucy.  I am ready for this break as are the others.  We will be staying at a beachside Hotel with a small kitchenette in each room.  There will be others from the VanDusen clan in Barbados at the same time but they will be staying in a different Hotel.  I expect we will see some of them over the period.

I have not addressed this blog for 6 weeks for a couple of reasons.  The first reason for not writing is that I have been occupied with work and getting my preverbal “house” in order.  I have been dissatisfied with the state of my desk for quite some time and resolved to get it under control and catch up on many small tasks that have been outstanding.  That included many follow-u items, paying of bills, wrapping up Bernard Holdings financial year, and generally cleaning up the piles of paper and books that have collected over the past wee while.  I can now state that I feel better as the papers on my desk as fewer and only require follow-up sometime in the future.  On the work front I have had a busy time with my 3 days a week at the airport.  3 days a week sound like a small amount of time but for some reason it takes up a chunk of my life.  I have to include a couple of hours for each shift in transit as well as maintenance of the uniform by washing and ironing shirts, vests and pants to ensure that I look “crisp” when I go to work.  This ironing thing has grown and it is a new acquired skill for me as when I worked full time I had all of my shirts laundered and hung on hangers by someone else.  Now it is me who does that and I find it time consuming.  I had to buy a new iron as the old one did not survive a 3 foot fall to the floor one day in December.  Regardless, I am enjoying the work, the folks I work with and am accepting the fact that I am now a worker who has a boss, requires a uniform, works on shifts, provides a public service to our clients, works within the bounds of a policy and procedure guideline and am paid a small amount of money for these services. 

My health is the purported subject of this blog so I will provide an update on how things are going.  It now has been 5 months since my last Chemo treatment (Aug 15^th) and I can quite persuasively communicate that I do not miss that experience.  I feel great! I am told frequently that I look good (see July 19^th 2017 blog entry on that subject) and my appetite and physical and bodily functions are regulated – not perfect but regulated.  The important thing is I feel great.  I do not have any symptoms of my disease other than tests show that I am living with some active Cancer in my liver and lungs.  By “active” I mean that it is present, it is or at least has been growing but it does not seem to debilitating me in any way.  That was not the case when I was in Chemo treatments where I was listless, sick, could not sleep, fatigue and involuntary bowel reactions, etc happening almost daily.  To be rid of those incidents in my life has been very rewarding. 

You might well have read that I will be having new tests in late February and then meeting with my Dr again to review those tests.  I am not looking forward to the tests and the Dr. visit as the results, if bad, may well result in me going back to the Chemo days.  I am of very mixed feelings right now because I feel great and do not have any symptoms.  This is a bit of a conundrum as one is more acceptant of invasive treatments when one is sick and the treatments make them feel better.  Being on the reverse side of that comments provides me with some serious angst about my future. 

So I ask myself, what have you done to change the future or your fate in this respect?  The only thing I have done is to change my eating habits a bit by reducing intake (limiting portions and sometimes missing meals) and I have added a new food supplement to my diet.  Each morning I ingest a concentration of berry seeds ( Rain Soul) from a pouch when I take my vitamins and other meds.  This product was introduced to me by a friend from my past.  She is a person who is interested in good health through natural sources and she happened to mention this product to me as it builds the immune system, helps to prevent infections, cancer, helps to replenish energy and increase body endurance  and provides some elements that improve internal organ operations including the heart.  If you know me, you know that I am skeptical about these claims to better health but for some reason I decided to try this for a period of time to see what effect it has on me and my situation.  It could not hurt as it is not a drug but a collection and concentration of natural seeds and their oils.  I have been taking this for a few weeks so far and I have no negative effects from its use.  I am hoping that the ultimate effects will be the slowing of any growth of Cancer in the affected areas.  I do not expect that this product will “save” me but its use combined with some sensible and well thought out strategies and behaviours for better health will not worsen my state of “feeling great”.  Only time will tell what happens but I thought I would share with you some of the things that have been happening around the subject of my health.  Be content to know that I feel great and I am trying to make sense of what I can do to better this situation.

With that, I will take my leave and continue my day, and wish you nothing but happiness and good health as you go about your individual and interesting lives. 

Love to all of you who find the time to visit and share in my experiences...  Please feel free to reach out to me if you have any questions or concerns or just want to say hello.

Paul