This has been the
longest period without addressing this blog since I started back in 2016. Not a good statement but it is true. My last post outlined some of our activities
and my decisions in the early spring (late winter in fact) and that was 4 and a
half months ago. I asked myself how that
long a period could have passed without taking some time to address this blog. After some considerable thought I have now
accepted that I did not address the blog as I did not want to accept the
reality of some parts of my life at this moment. That seems to be a simple statement, and it
is, but it was hard to get there.
The intent
of this blog was to inform the readers about my health and activities as I
addressed my bout with Cancer. It also
served as a place for me to try to organize my thoughts and positions on some
of the things that are happening as a result of my diagnosis and
treatment. The latter is very valuable
to me as I tend to hold a great deal inside and share only glimpses of what I
am thinking. This blog forces me to be more
open and honest with my thoughts in a very public way. The last few months I have been very busy
with the activities of my life to the exclusion of sitting down and addressing
what was running through my head. No
doubt in my mind, now, that the course I took was a defense mechanism as I did
not feel comfortable and confident in my decisions about treatment.
You have
read in previous blogs that I have been tested and met with my Medical Oncologist,
Dr. Jonker, on a 3 month cycle. That was
the chosen, safe period to track the development of new cancer cells in my
body. Over the last full year I have “chosen” to not participate in treatment
by Chemo Therapy on four occasions as I have no symptoms that cause me any
discomfort. Each of my CT test results
demonstrated some growth in both my liver and lung cancer. My Dr. has never said that there was
significant growth and I take that as a good sign that my cancer is not
aggressive, at this time, and can be managed.
I only say that because it has not manifested any symptoms that cause me
discomfort. As a result I have enjoyed a
year of Chemo free life and enjoyed many great moments and activities. In background I have been increasingly asking
myself if; a) that was the right decision?, and b) how long can that go on?
Those two questions
have been burning away inside me through the last year and each cycle (with the
testing, Dr. visit and then moving forward) is executed with some trepidation. In early June, after my last visit with Dr.
Jonker I sought out my Oncologist of record (Dr. Auer) and asked for some time
to chat with her about all of this. She was kind enough to see me almost
immediately and listened very carefully to what I was saying and experiencing. I did this because I respect her and trust
her instincts in matters of Cancer and in patient care. Our discussion lasted for much longer than I
imagined and the end result was that I had finally recognized that my angst simply
was all about quality vs quantity of life.
My actions were addressing my need for a better quality of life and not
concerning myself about longevity. We
both agreed that the position I was taking was appropriate for a person of my
age and position in life. Had I been 28
years old with a young family I may well take a different set of
decisions. Now that was not news to me
but it was nice to hear it from someone else and it made me more comfortable
with the actions and situation.
On Tuesday
of this week I had my most recent CT Scan and I have an appointment with Dr.
Jonker for mid-August to review the results.
That means that I am waiting, once again, for an indication of the
growth of my Cancer and must, once again, decide on my actions based on that information. That process causes me some stress each time
I have to do this as the ramifications, one way or another, affect and
influence my life, schedule and well being.
I try to minimize the impact by keeping myself busy and not thinking too
much but it does enter my mind from time to time. The effect on me is somewhat concerning as I
become more introverted during these periods of stress and I do not socialize
as much as I am accustomed. I am
assuming that is my defense mechanism and I have tried to break that down
recently by actively reaching out and meeting people for lunches or dinners or
just social time to shoot the shit. I am
assuming that it is quite natural to protect oneself when there is a lot of
doubt in one’s mind so I am not concerned about my behavior. However, I do miss the interactions I am used
to and will work hard to get those back on track.
Thank you
for reading this brief post and I hope it explains my recent absence from this
blog. I will return shortly to update on
my visit to Puerto Vallarta (in March 2018) and other interesting things that
happened while all of the above was going on internally. That will be far more entertaining I assure
you.
