Some thoughts .....

Kauai sunset Jan 2020

This blog entry is intended to follow-up my last blog where I made mention of my interest in updating you on my “health, emotional ability and my improved mental state as I am looking forward to improvements in all areas”.  


I have been somewhat confused and tired of my current view of my health as it seems that my disease is being kept at bay by taking Chemo treatments that make me feel sick and loss of confidence in my body or mind.  The treatment, at this point, is far worse than the effects of the disease.  I stress “at this point” as my 13 months of treatment since my last “break” from Chemo has shown no discernable growth in my Cancer in my liver and my lungs.  Also, of note, is the fact that there has been little discernable shrinkage over the same period.  And that, in a nutshell, is the conundrum of dealing with this Cancer for me.  


Knowing that the treatment is keeping the Cancer at the same size is comforting as its growth is problematic. But also, being aware of the three-week treatment cycle that takes away 7 to 10 days of a desired quality of life is not a balanced view of a lifestyle.  Basically, it leaves me with half of my life feeling sick (nausea), tired, listless, experiencing bowel issues, lost confidence and a few miscellaneous side effects that seem to rotate through a cycle.


With all of that going on, I am still trying to maintain a lifestyle that is anticipated as being normal to me.  That is a challenge as I am holding down a job I like and wish to do well.  On some days it is hard to maintain a positive view of the world and get my job done well.  Those days are mostly in the week following the commencement of Chemo treatment.  However, there are odd days when some of the effects of Chemo show up forcing me to mask my real self to maintain my charade of an old guy in good form.


I use the term “charade” as at my work there are only a couple of people who know about my Cancer.  They are close and will not share that information with others in casual conversation.  At the job I am the old guy in good form, and I like that status.  I do not wish to share my real situation with everyone, and I consider the airport a bubble where my Cancer does not control my life or is part of the discussion.  As a result, there are days that I am sick, but I am forced to put that aside and maintain my charade.  That is very difficult some days but necessary for me.


I have also been through a period of reflection about my mental and emotional state.  There are days when my family must question my true feelings as I disappear into my own cocoon and fail to communicate effectively with them or others about my health.  I believe that is a defense mechanism for me as I do not want to continuously discuss or expose my feelings or thoughts about where we are and where we are heading.  I lay blame on the Chemo treatments for this behavior, but I know that I must talk about these things with my family when I feel confident enough in my true feelings to do so. This is a source of some stress for me as I do not want anyone in my family to feel uninformed or left out when I am not communicating well or am busy trying to figure out what I am feeling.


The question now is “so what is next?” as I start my new break from Chemo treatments. It is my hope and desire to feel stronger, healthier and maintain a positive view of life and the future.  Sitting in Hawaii, as I am now, is a good place to figure these things out.  This environment is like home to me as we have been coming to the same Marriott Vacation Resort over the last 22 years.  It is a shelter from the everyday distractions and obligations and a place where one can think clearly.  Additionally, today is day 20 since I have had a Chemo treatment and my body has settled down and the effects of my last Chemo are pretty much behind me.  With that in mind I find myself feeling healthier and more positive about my future.  I believe that I can still handle my obligations more readily and make time to relax and enjoy some of the things that make me happy.  I still feel I am being somewhat recluse in my lifestyle and intend on getting out and seeing people in a social environment more often.  That has not been the case over the last year and a bit and I miss that interaction.  


 Going forward I will be more positive, less protective and more outgoing and communicative as I continue through this “break” period.  I believe it will be a better state and one where I can cope more effectively.  Let me know if that is not the case.  <grin>

Rodier Family Kauai Jan 2020

Be well and feel free to contact me should you have any questions or thoughts about any of these entries.  Love to all.

Round 4 Session 18 (Jan 7) and Part 2

Note:  this entry was created on Jan 21 but got lost in draft form until today (Jan 27) as I wanted to include a picture in the entry.  Picture added today and …. away we go.

Wow, this blog is well behind the times and I am to blame as I have not made the time to address this in a timely fashion.  We have been very busy, as usual, since Christmas and we now find ourselves enjoying a nice respite in Kauai with the family.  But before I write about that I would like to update you on some significant activities that have shaped our days and in some cases our future.  The part 2 above is an attempt to continue where I left off just before Christmas.  The most significant thing I missed was my work at WestJet.

I had mentioned that I had some Gate Training in mid December and that did happen.  It was 4 intense and long days of bridging aircraft, preparing for Gate Controller activities, preparing for “Expo” duties (assisting the gate controller), deplaning procedure and of course boarding procedures.  All or any of those activities could show up on my daily roster of activities when I show up for work at the airport.  It was a pretty intense period as our instructor wanted us to feel the pressure associated with getting “on time” departures of our aircraft.  I soon learned that the most important part of being a Gate Controller was the “symphony” of activities that had to work, in a specific order, to make “on time” departure possible.  It involves our team members, crew on board, our gate apron folks who control the grounds around the aircraft, removal and loading of luggage, fueling etc., the airport authority and of course our guests.  When all is properly directed and controlled the symphony works well but with so many players there is plenty of room for error and thus making it impossible to get out “on time”.  I enjoyed the challenge and over time have become more familiar and relaxed about these processes.  The significant thing is that adding these activities to my job list makes for a more diverse and interesting day at work.  The training was on Dec 10 through 13 and these activities are now part of my job.  I am happy in this role at the airport.

Our Christmas this year was a bit different.  Since neither Gray (and family) or Tara-Lee (and family) were available as they were out west for the Christmas period, both Freddi and I decided to work through Christmas and enjoy our family Christmas on Dec 29^th when Tara-Lee and family were available to spend the day.  That happened as planned and we had a fun family day sitting about in PJs for the day and enjoyed a nice family dinner complete with turkey.  Naturally, we ate too much but thoroughly enjoyed the day or relaxation, gifts and lots of chatter.  Christmas is not a day but a celebration with family about the house.

Once again, we enjoyed bringing in the new year with some lake family and friends.  We had a nice evening dinner, some champagne and we brought in 2020 at midnight with the usual television production from Times Square and other places in Canada.  This group is quite diverse, so we have pretty funny conversations.  We did remember past participants in this annual event and wished everyone every success in the new year.

On the medical front, I had a CT Scan on Dec 28 and a Dr visit on January 8^th.  The scan was very routine and this time I did not have to ingest the foul-tasting liquid over two a 2 hour period so I was out of the hospital in just one hour.  I did have Chemo treatment Round 4 Session number 18 on January 7^th.

The actual session was uneventful and went according to plan.  I did have the usual side effects and spent the better part of 7 days figuring out what would be next and steeling myself for those effects and changes.  I wanted to be well by Jan 17^th as that was the date of departure for a vacation in Kauai.  On Jan 8^th I met Dr. Jonker and we reviewed the results of the CT Scan.  Basically, nothing had changed and the report contained many references to “unremarkable” observations.  That was very good news as I intended to ask the Dr if I could take a break from Chemo as I am tiring of the process, effects and continuous search for a balanced day without any side effects.  He was not surprised or resistant to my request as he understands how long term exposure to Chemo has physical, emotional and mental effects on patients.  I have had my share of those effects and am happy to report that my next activity is in mid March when I have a CT Scan followed by an update with the Dr in April.  In the interim, no Chemo and a chance to make myself feel better in many ways.  This is a great opportunity for me as I was feeling a bit lost and that things were no longer in my control.  I will continue to be “with Cancer” but not a captive of Cancer treatment effects. I am happy about that status change.

Some of you may be aware of another event that entered my life in very early January.  It was a bad day when I fell asleep driving home from an early morning shift.  Yes, it finally happened, and the accident has resulted in the loss of my favourite car due to its encounter with a telephone pole and my carelessness.  I managed to do all of this on an empty road and therefore no one else was involved.  I was fortunate enough to come out of this unscathed other than my confidence being a little shattered due to my fatigue and ability to sleep well at normal times.  The police and responders were very kind and caring and somewhat amazed that I was not hurt at all.  The insurance company took my car away and declared it a “write-off”.  They provided me with a rental while we sorted out the details.  On January 12^th I flew to Toronto to see a prospect car as it was the same model and year of the car I had just lost.  On the 13^th I test drove and purchased the auto.  I stayed in Mississauga for the night to see my sister Lucy and then drove back to Ottawa in my new wheels on Tuesday morning.  The new car is identical to the last one but only 80k km fewer in mileage.  My next step is to re-evaluate some of the things that put me in such a position and attempt to rectify them.  That might mean moving to afternoon shifts at the airport instead of early morning shifts which interrupt normal sleep patterns. Stay tuned.

On Jan 17^th we departed YOW for LIH in HI in a small group of 5 as we were on our way for our planned visit to Lihue for the family for the week of 18^th through 25^th.  Tara-Lee and family flew with us and we met Gray and family in YVR.  We flew together on the last leg to Hawaii.  We arrived late in the evening and settled into our accommodation for the first night.  It was very nice waking up in Kauai the next morning.  Skylar (8) and Kaia (3) have been having a lot of fun together and the adults have been having meals together in the large accommodation we have rented in the Marriott Lagoons.  It has been very fun, and we are starting day 4 here at the Marriott and then going to a Lu’au this evening.  

2020 Rodier Family Olympics … amusing ourselves as they prepared our accommodation at The Lagoons Kauai

 I am going to stop here, and I will come back in a short period to update you on things about my health, emotional ability and my improved mental state.  I am looking forward to improvements in all areas.

Be well and thank you for dropping in.  Feel free to contact me should you have any questions.