The Reckoning

Today I find myself with a few minutes of uncommitted time to sit down and write a few words about what has been happening to me over the last 5 or 6 months.  As you may or may not know this period is not well documented in this blog as I have not been in the right frame of mind to write about anything.  I have felt pressure from my different jobs (either real or imagined), I have been wrestling with my feelings about how I am managing my Cancer treatment, and trying to deal with the depression associated with these pressures in my life.

To summarize the health issue, I find that my quarterly tests have become pretty predictable and a source of stress and some anxiety.  Each new cycle starts with a position for the next three months and very shortly turns to a countdown to the next test (CT Scan) and then a meeting with the Dr to discuss the results of the test.  Since August 2017 I have chosen each time to decline chemotherapy sessions to combat the growth of my cancer.  Each session has demonstrated an increase in the size of my Cancer and is accompanied by a warning from my Dr. to not let this get away from us.  However, I recall and fear the adverse effects of Chemotherapy and therefore am taking a path that does not include this treatment.  In contrast I have been doing small things to increase my resilience, stamina, white blood cell count to support a healthy immune system, and to try to get ahead of this through more natural means.  That does not mean I am following a well organized campaign against my body and the Cancer but I am doing some things that should affect my ability to live with it.  Not being a professional at any of this has left me feeling that these seemingly unstructured approaches may help.

Also during this time I have been introduced to several situations where Cancer has made people succumb to its control, taken the life of others and started others down a nasty path ahead as it is discovered in more and more people that I know or hear about.   It is depressing as great breakthroughs are coming in the battle of this disease but it seems to be too little too late.   In my case that is true as some breakthrough immunology treatments are not applicable in my case but will help others as we go forward from diagnosis to cure.  I know my Oncologist of record, Dr. Auer, is committed to this goal but recognizes that, at this time, there is little they can do for me.

Of late, I have recognized the effects on me and my immediate family and have tried to make an adjustment in my thinking, attitudes, moods and general well being to overcome some of the effects of this depressing pressure that seems to surround me.  That sounds a bit dramatic but believe me it has not been any fun wallowing in my despair and trying to make the best of this situation.  I have been successful, so far, in distancing my Cancer from my work at WestJet.  I refer to my work days at WestJet as inside my bubble as I do not think about being a Cancer patient while I am actively trying to help people get through the trials and tribulations of an airport.  It has left me with the capability to walk into my bubble and to carry out my work shift with a positive attitude as I deal with our Guests and their issues during their attempts to manage the processes associated with vacation, business or miscellaneous travel.  I like the bubble and recognize my shift from WestJet time to other parts of my life as I walk to my car at the end of every shift.

All of this leaves me with the question:  “What is next?”

It is a simple question with no simple answer.  If my life, as I live it, does not provide me with enough confidence to continue without the depression, pressures, sharp mood changes and restlessness then what has to change or break to make things more comfortable?   It seems easy as one can simply say – lighten the load and simplify.  But what gets tossed to the side if I decide to do such a thing?  Do I drop one of my “jobs”, do I seek outside help, do I change my diet and habits to find a new acceptance of myself to find a better state of mind?  Do I read different books that could bring some guidance to the things I am afraid of or seem to be avoiding talking about?  I am not sure of the answers to such questions but I do know that I need to spend more time being comfortable in my own shoes and more open about where I am today.

My current schedule of appointments is for a CT Scan at the end of Oct, a DR Appointment in mid-Nov and then we will make decisions and plan for the next three months.

As I re-read what I have written here, I feel it is a bit similar to my last blog which is not what I had committed to.  I had committed to news of other activities from March of 2018.  That is a period of about 6 months where it seems I have done nothing of significance or had any real activities that were noteworthy.  That is not true as we have had a vacation in that period and the summer months provided some very memorable times with family at the cottage. 

On the boat - Summer 2018

Also in that period I have spent a great deal of time with our new puppy (Bailey) trying to get her through the puppy stages and trying to take a mature approach to dog training.   It has been a challenge as she requires a great deal of attention as she tries to please us and learn new behaviours that make her a social creature.  She has come a long way and I now appreciate the time investment in our family pet.  Our last golden retriever lived for 16 years and Bailey has made it to 8 months and is going strong.  She is learning new things (like not to nose around a skunk) every day.  She brings much happiness into our house.

Summer has also brought more family time as Tara-Lee and her family spent more time here at the cottage.  Kaia has grown up some too as she learns about the extent of summer pleasure being on a lake can bring.  She is a water baby and loves to swim, play and be entertained by the local children of Lake Bernard.  Her verbal skills have improved and she chats away in fuller sentences now.  And through all of this she continues to be the intrepid flyer as she has added more flights to her airplane log. 

Freddi continues to work hard at Sporting Life and sometimes comes home feeling she made a difference in a very busy environment.  I think that is what keeps her focused and engaged at this busy store.

Fall is now upon us and our focus is on getting our client’s boats out of the water and tucked away for the winter.  Our numbers are down this year as we refine our list against available hours and effort to get each boat safely put away before the weather changes too drastically.  We are partially done but a number of our clients want to keep their boats until Thanksgiving weekend.  We continue to work on this activity.

Thank you for taking the time to check in and I am always available for your questions, thoughts and comments on this blog or on any of the activities in our life.  Be well …….